Saturday, March 14, 2009

Don't drink a soda while reading this one...

...because you will surely shoot it through your nose onto the keyboard, and that will not only hurt like the dickens, but will cost you in replacement computer parts.

You may have read these already, but they bear repeating. I'm passing this on from one of my Yahoo e-mail lists. Enjoy!

TJB
________

Once again, "The Washington Post" has published the winning submissions
to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to
supply alternative meanings for common words.


The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in yo ur nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
when they come at you rapidly..

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n ..): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.

7 comments:

Margay said...

Wow - the only response I can come up with after reading that list!

Margay

Suzan Harden said...

Love it!

Ignoranus made my day!

TJ Bennett said...

Beelzebug is my favorite one. Maybe that's because I live in Houston and mosquito season is coming. :-)

TJB

Virginia said...

I loved Ignoranus, and believe it or not I have used this word several times.

Melissa said...

wow, these are hoot. I haven't seen them yet...copying and pasting to send to friend, thanks!!

Patricia Barraclough said...

Wonderful!!! Just what I needed to read after spending the day at the hospital with my daughter while her husband had cancer surgery. I'll try to share this with her tomorrow. Will print this out when I get home. Needs to be posted at the library where I work. We used to live in DC and I remember when this list would come out.

TJ Bennett said...

Patricia, I hope your SIL's surgery was a rousing success. Sending up good thoughts for him--and laughter, as they say, is the best medicine.